A Note on Mental Health

As these blog posts are eventually meant to be adapted into an exegesis, I think it's only right to acknowledge and reflect on the biggest challenge I am facing with this project.

I've struggled with anxiety for more or less forever, but the depression is new. I've lost weeks of work each time it acts up. 

I don't really know how it all works. Most days I feel pretty ok, and I get things done. Bad days are rare, but once I have one of them, it feels like a nearly impossible task to dig myself out of inertia for days. I feel heavy and frozen. I don't really think or feel... I just sort of sit. And I can't seem to remember how to get up or why I should. 

Obviously, my situation isn't unique. I know lots of people who deal with depression. Even before the Covid-19 pandemic began, the Venn diagram of my close friends and the people in my life who go to therapy is functionally a circle. 

Maybe it's a little overplayed to say covid has caused a mental health crisis, but every single day being exactly the same sure doesn't help. We're all missing community and the casual interactions that come with it. But mostly, I think we're all missing change. My partner and I are both very goal-oriented and value driven people who want to go to grad school, but its been so long since we believed in our work that neither of us can remember why. Nothing seems to matter anymore. Nothing we do in our immediate lives as any tangible impact on the world around us. No matter how much I believe my work can help people, that idea doesn't really inspire me when I'm working in silence, alone in my room. 

I don't have any real solutions. I just kind of wanted to acknowledge this whole depression thing to myself. I'm hoping that some self-reflection will lead to new insights, and maybe a little bit of self-compassion. I think its ok that I'm just trying to do what I can when I'm feeling up to it. ...isn't everyone?

I can't really end on a high note, but perhaps a lighter one: I am lucky that I have a lot of good people in my life who are very understanding and encouraging with me. My friends and family are great, but so are my professors. I didn't really expect that they would give me so much grace because of how strict academia has always seemed, but they have gone out of their way to encourage me to pull back when I have to, and to take care of myself. I'm trying my best to listen to them!